Miracles

 

 

I am 43 and almost at the end of my 8th pregnancy.

(This will be my 5th live birth; I had 1 miscarriage in my early 20's and 2 (each 1 year apart from one another) within the last 4 years.)

I am so blessed to know that the Lord is preserving this little guy and continuing to allow him to develop and grow normally.

I have been going to "see" him every 4 weeks (via ultrasound) and have been amazed at how quickly he's growing and changing.

During this pregnancy I've experienced so many different emotions;

fear being the main one, due to recent history, but I have trusted the Lord nonetheless;

knowing that He alone is the giver and sustainer of life and that He allows everything for my good and His glory.

He has always been here for me; carrying me through, without fail and I am just so thankful that He is my Lord. Without Him, I just don't know where I would be.

I have been thinking a lot about what my life is going to look like after the baby is born.

It's funny, but I never thought I would be having another baby at 43.

Many people have expressed that they would "just die" if they found out they were pregnant again at my age. I've heard things like, " Are you crazy?", and " you know what causes that don't you?"

Really people?

It makes me laugh to think that people actually believe that they can control if and when they will have a baby.

Truthfully, the only way to guarantee that it not happen is abstain; but, I believe that most marriages wouldn't survive if abstinence was practiced...lol

The Lord, and He alone is the One who opens and closes the womb.

You can have sex 24/7 and never conceive a child or just once and conceive; you are not in control!

Enough about that...lol

My oldest child is 19 and my youngest will be 11 years old.

I've already been through the drama of each age only to begin again. :)

I don't feel overwhelmed or crazy.

In fact, I feel blessed, excited, and privileged.

I love that my other children are older and can experience this pregnancy with me.

I love that I can feel this baby kicking, flipping, hiccupping, and moving inside of me.

I love being able to be a part of another miracle.

My children are all such wonderful blessings in my life.

I just can't imagine life without any one of them; even those I lost, I love and can't wait to see when I get to heaven.

Each of them has a special place in my heart.

Each of them is unique.

Each of them is a miracle.

Each off them have brought more joy to my life than they'll ever know.

Having another baby at 43 is not the end of my world, as some would suggest;

it is a new beginning, a new chapter, a new adventure.

Yes, I will have to start all over again with the diapers, late night feedings, baby proofing the house, playing the guessing game as to why he's crying, etc, planning my every move instead of being spontaneous, and eventually homeschooling him when I've just finished homeschooling 4 other children, but it is going to be so worth it.

I don't care about having "freedom to do what I want, when I want."

That ship sailed a long time ago, and, to be completely honest with you, I'm glad it did.

Having children has been life changing for me.

Before them, I was the most selfish person that walked the earth.

Everything was about me.

My children have taught me so much about selflessness, unconditional love, mercy, grace, forgiveness, to name only a few, and they have made life wonderful for me.

I can't imagine my life any different than it is right now.

 

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward

Psalm 127:3

 

Thank You Lord for allowing me to have these children, to raise them up in You for Your glory.

 

 

 

 

 



Desolate

Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me, but a GREAT day at the same time.

Why? You ask.

You know those days that you are continually slapped in the face with the ugliness of you?

Well, that was yesterday.

Instead of hashing what was said over to see if any of it were true, I got hurt and offended, and basically, had a pity party for myself.

The sad thing is, I got offended because I knew they were right, but I had justified my ways for soooooooooo long that I could come up with a zillion things to make me look better than I am.

I was faced with the reality that I had become exactly what I set out to NEVER become. What I had seen all my life and vowed to NEVER do.

What a blow that was. The realization of that was devestating, or could have been anyway.

I went to sleep crying and I woke up with a new found determination to seek the Lord and find an answer to my issues.

But how?

I woke up early, before everyone in the house, and I began to pray. I asked the Lord to guide me to His truth in His Word. When I was done, I opened and there it was, staring me right in the face. There was some comfort and some confrontation that was necessary for me. I grabbed my dictionary to shed a little more light on the words I was reading...this always helps me to get a better understanding.

I read Jeremiah 1:4-5 first, which says,

Now the word of the Lord came to me saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you. I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."

Even though this was written to Jeremiah, I believe it is for me too.

God showed me that not only does He know me, the REAL me, better than anyone, but He also consecrated me...He set me apart...for a specific purpose...to publicly declare the true message of the gospel to everyone I come in contact with.

What a comforting and revealing thought that my Lord knows EVERY part of me, good and bad.

This Scripture also reminded me that I have been set apart for a purpose...it gave me meaning again.

Then I read on..

Jeremiah 2:5

Thus says the Lord, What injustice did your fathers find in Me, That they went far from Me And walked after emptiness and became empty?

WoW, what a thump on the head that was.

I have been struggling with emptiness for some time now. I've been "seeking" the Lord, but still feeling completely empty.

How could that be?

I realized that although I have been in church, in private devotions, and prayer, I was still seeking after empty things, and the more I walked after emptiness, the more empty I became; the more desolate I became. Odd thing is, I didn't even realize I was seeking after empty things until today.

Have you ever looked up the word desolate? I know what desolate means but I had never seen it or related to it so clearly as I did after reading the definition this morning.

Desolate= abandoned, lonely, cheerless, lacking signs life.

WoW!! That word desolate described me perfectly. I read it and read it again, not believing my eyes.

Then I read Jeremiah 2:12-13 and things started getting even clearer...

"Be appalled, O heavens, at this, And shudder, be very desolate," declares the Lord. "For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, To hewn for themselves cisterns, Broken cisterns that can hold no water."

I looked up the words, forsaken, fountain, living, water, and cistern, knowing what they meant, but wanting a clearer definition, and do you know what happened next?

Light bulb!!

Forsaken= GIVEN UP OR LEAVING ENTIRELY

Fountain=SOURCE from which something comes

Living= ALIVE, existing

Water= liquid that is a MAJOR part of ALL LIVING material

Cistern= an ARTIFICIAL reservoir or rank for storing water, usually UNDERGROUND.

Are you seeing what I saw?

First thing the Lord showed me was

GOD= my source for REAL life, without Him I would cease to exist.

Then....

The Lord showed me clearly that I have been feeling desolate (abandoned, lonely, cheerless, and lacking signs of life) because I have forsaken the Lord. I have left Him and chased after artificial substitutes in my life to keep me alive, all the while dying (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) more each day because I have not looked to the source that keeps me truly alive...My Lord.

 Incidentally...did you notice that the cistern is usually underground?? Hmmmm????

It's interesting how I could be "seeking" the Lord yet be soooooo far from Him.

The Lord showed me that my downward spiral began with discontentment....just a side note.

Thank You Lord for using my precious gift, Tyler, to see that I have become so discontented and walked so far from you that I no longer had REAL life (I had become desolate=lonely, cheerless, and have felt abandoned for soooooooo long).

Thank You Lord for showing me, through Jeremiah, that I have to acknowledge my sin,  that I've transgressed against You , and have not been obedient to You...

Please forgive me for turning from You, for my pride issues, for my overall disobedience,  and my discontentment.

Thank You for Your love and discipline that has brought me to repentance once again. I love You Lord. My life is Yours, do with it what You will. In Jesus' name. Amen.

The revelation that the Lord has given me today has set me free and I PRAISE HIM for it!! I can now go on, FORGIVEN, ready to truly live again, no longer desolate.

Jesus=HOPE :)

<3



A Purpose

When I was younger, all I ever wanted to be was a singer/actress. I know, surprise, surprise...lol..Those who personally know me could believe that easily. After all, I'm not called the Drama Queen for nothin. :)

I can remember sitting for hours, listening to the radio or playing records(uh oh..I just dated myself...lol) singing my heart out and dancing all over my room pretending I was on stage and all the people watching (in my mind) loved me. In high school, I was in Show Choir, Drama Club, and Chorus...I loved being on that stage...I would feel sick to my stomach EVERY time, but as soon as I sang a couple of words or said a couple of my lines I would forget about my fears, forget about all the people, and be in my own little world. It was amazingly wonderful!! I so wanted to be in the bright lights forever, but I guess that wasn't the plan for me, because if it was it would've happened, right?

During my teen years, I decided that I was going to be a counselor. Why wouldn't I? I already had friends calling me constantly at the wee hours of the morning telling me their problems. It got so bad that my parents actually put  my own phone line in my bedroom so that the phone calls wouldn't wake them up. I had many sleepless nights, but they were all worth it. If I could make even just one of them feel better and have some hope I would stay up all night. I remember a time when I saw a young girl sitting on the ground outside a building late one night. I drove by her, but my heart made me turn around. I didn't know that girl and had never seen her before, or since, but I just had to stop and talk to her to see if there was anything I could help her with. We spoke, she was encouraged, I went along my way hoping that she would be alright. I think that dream ended when I couldn't even help my little brother, who ended up committing suicide at the age of 17.

As I got older I had less and less dreams. I was just hoping to survive each day. You see, I had been in countless horrible relationships. I also had 2 children by 2 different men 4 years apart from one another (one when I was 24 and the other at 28). I was struggling to keep a roof over our heads, food in their bellies, and diapers and clothes on them. It was hard, but I accepted it as it was and just did what I had to do to take care of them. I finally understood why my mother used to tell me not to have sex before marriage. She wasn't trying to be a "kill-joy". She was trying to protect me. Now that I'm a mother, I completely understand.

I always wanted to be  someone that made a difference in the lives of those around me. I did it because I hated seeing people hurt the way I was always hurting. I hid behind my smile. When I would help someone it would take my mind off of my own issues, problems, and heartaches. So I continually focused all my energy on others; friends, family, my kids...everyone but me. It was too hard to think about me. If I did that then I would have to admit that my life was a mess and I made it that way. I would rather pretend I was someone else, put an "H" on my chest and Handle it. After all pretending would make everyone else happy too. I knew I made my life what it was by the choices I made but I wanted everyone to believe that I was strong; that I was all right, while inside I was crying desperately for someone to save me from myself.

I moved to SC and found Jesus again. He had never left me, but I had left Him long ago. I rededicated my life to Him and determined that I was no longer going to be the pretender, but I have to admit, that process was longer than I'd of liked it to be. While reading my Bible, the Lord showed me who I really was when I left Him behind and started living life for me. All I could do was break down and sob. What I saw was something I never thought I was, but there it was in black and white staring me in the face. That was the beginning of a new journey for me. Was it easy? Not at all. Was it worth it? Most Definitely!! Now I saw myself as I was, I repented, and I turned back to my first true Love, Jesus. Since then, He gave me a husband who I don't deserve and has blessed me with 2 more beautiful children. It's been 12 years since that day and I am more in love with Jesus than ever.  Am I still going through changes? Of course. I will never stop learning until I'm with Him in heaven. It is painful sometimes, but He always leads me to the other side where there is growth.

Jesus is:

my Lord

my Savior

my Friend

my life

my Love

my peace

my joy

my Counselor

my Healer

my Guide

etc

etc

etc

I know that the only reason I'm still living today is because He brought me through for a purpose.

My purpose:

to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength

to obey Him in all aspects of my life

to love everyone that comes in my path

to worship Him with my life, not just my voice

to adore Him and to teach my children to adore Him

to tell everyone about Him

to live my life in such a way that people would want to know Him

I lived a long time with dreams, but no purpose.

Praise the Lord, now I have a purpose worth living for.

He has blessed me beyond measure;

a husband I thought I'd never have

4 exceptionally wonderful blessings from heaven (the children He's entrusted me to care for)

but most of all.....Hope of eternal life that He freely gave to me in which I received

(which is also available to you too :) )

I may not have a house, or lots of material things, but I have more than all the treasures of the world.

The ultimate treasure....JESUS!!

Romans 8:28-39

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.  For whom He did foreknow, He also did predestine to be conformed to the image of His Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.  Moreover whom He did predestine, them He also called: and whom He called, them He also justified: and whom He justified, them He also glorified.  What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

 He that spared not His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifies.
 Who is he that condemns? It is Christ that died, rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God who also makes  intercession for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
 As it is written, For Your sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
But in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
 For I am convinced, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.