In April of this year, I found out I was pregnant. That was HUGE!!!! You see, my husband had a vasectomy over 7 years ago. So, you could imagine the shock and surprise that we felt when we found out that I was pregnant. I was soooooooo excited!! Never in a million years did I think this would ever happen again. It was a miracle for the Lord above. Then came my first ultrasound. There was very little growth of my baby and things didn't look good, but I still stayed positive and trusted in the Lord who gave my little miracle life. Then another ultrasound 2 weeks later...that was a bit harder to take. There was no growth, but they saw a quick blip on the screen...a heartbeat? Perhaps...I cried, but still trusted in my Lord. I told the Dr. that God is the giver of life and He put my baby here so I'm not going to do a D&E, which they strongly suggested, because I was going to give God a chance to prove them wrong. Well, then the last ultrasound...now that was a painful one...My baby was not only not growing and the heartbeat was gone, but he was deteriorating right inside me....still I trusted my Lord. All along the Word of God was a great comfort to me. He kept taking me to Job. Daily I would read and daily I would find words of comfort. The Word of God is the only place to turn to. About 3 weeks later, I had pain unimaginable and it just got worse. I had a house full of kids and my husband was at work. The pain was accompanied by a loss of blood that I had never seen before, and I've had 4 c-sections...It got so bad that I called the ambulance and was rushed to emergency. My wonderful mother was there when I got there...I praise the Lord for that...I don't know if I could've done it on my own. I will spare you the gruesome details, b/c believe me, they were gruesome. I had to have an emergency D&E, stayed the night, thanks to the nurse who pled my case and insisted that I stay, was discharged, only to be readmitted the next morning for another night due to complications...so much blood loss, transfusions, etc......Long story short, I lost my baby. I think that was the hardest thing I've ever gone through.
I began to question God...WHY? I didn't understand. I thought for sure that He would've brought this baby through as a testimony to the Dr's and all who doubted of how He is in control. Then I began to question myself...was I that bad a mother that the Lord decided I wasn't worthy of another baby? Did I do something wrong? It was crazy, b/c I knew that none of that was true. I felt like Job. For the first time in my life, I related to Job more than anyone in the Bible. God is God and He will do as He pleases. Who am I to question Him...I came to that just like Job did...and then I was back on track...b/c really, who am I to question the Lord of all creation, the Great I Am, the Mighty God, the Prince of Peace, the Everlasting Father, the Alpha and Omega, the Savior of my Soul...The Lord continually showed me His grace, mercy, and faithfulness and brought me comfort like noone could.
It wasn't easy to get through, but with the Lord and the wonderful ladies that He used to minister to me, I got through it. Does it still hurt? YES...I'd be lying if I said that every time I see a new baby or a picture of a baby, or a pregnant women, etc that it doesn't bring tears to my eyes...But I know that my baby is being taken care of by the Lord...He wasn't mine to begin with...he was entrusted to me by the Living God...just as all of my other children were. They aren't mine. I was entrusted with them to raise them up in the fear and admonition of the Lord and that is what I'm doing.
It's amazing how something so painful can open ones eyes to the issues of their heart. That is what it did for me. I'm eternally grateful for that. Although I miss my baby, what I gained from the experience is worth so much.
I praise the Lord for getting me through that, for restoring me back to Him, and for giving me opportunities to live out what I believe. After all that is what it's all about. Not just saying the words...God is faithful, merciful, loving, gracious, patient, etc...it's about showing people who He is through my life. I pray that the way I handled this situation brought glory to Him...for that is my only purpose in life....to do everything to bring glory to God.
to grant to those who mourn in Zion--
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
...the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. Isaiah 61:3
