The Battle is Not Over!!! :)

He shall say to them, "Hear, O Israel, you are approaching the battle against your enemies today. Do not be fainthearted. Do not be afraid, or panic, or temble before them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you. Deut.20:3-4

Sorry for my mini meltdown yesterday. Thank you all for your prayers and those of you who were led to encourage me with your words.

I feel like a whole new person today!!

The Lord has given me the above verses and 2 Cor 5:7 (for we walk by faith, not by sight. ) to stand on during this battle.

He has given me a renewed strength!! Praise You Lord Jesus!!!

I do not have to be afraid!

I do not have to panic!

I do not have to tremble!

For the Lord is with me every step of the way!!

He goes with me to fight for me!

I DO NOT HAVE TO FIGHT THIS BATTLE!!!

<3

No, Lord, Not Again....Please :(

I had my first OB appt this morning. 

They say I'm supposed to be 8 weeks along, but they did the u/s I'm only measuring 6weeks.

They did an internal u/s and only saw a yolk sack. The progression is supposed to be more than that.

Oh, the fear I'm experiencing right now is so intense.

I just can't go through what I did last year.

 That was a complete nightmare!

I know that all things are possible with the Lord, but I also know that His ways aren't my ways.

I so don't understand any of this!

I'm so completely and utterly confused, yet still I will trust Him.

I have another u/s appointment July 19th and am scared to death of the results.

Why is it that it's easier for me to think the worse than to think the best?

I thought the best the last time and ended up almost bleeding to death.

I want to believe that all will be well, but I can't get beyond thinking about the possible reality of another miscarriage.

I want PEACE!!!!

I know where to find it and I'm pleading with the Lord for His peace, but I'm letting my mind and my flesh get the best of me.

This has been my defense mechanism all my life.

Think of the worse possible scenario and then, if it ends up being that, I'm ready for it and, if not, then I can be surprised and happy about the outcome.

I hate living this way!

Why can't I be normal?

I prayed and told the Lord that I believe, but help my unbelief...

.b/c I do believe that He can form this baby perfectly in my womb, but, after last time, I'm not sure He wants to.

I don't know His complete plan for my life. If I did, I could rest and not worry.

I should be able to rest and not worry now b/c I love and trust that all that He does is for a purpose. When it comes to losing another baby, it's not so easy though.

I know, I'm whining.

Lot's of people go through things like this every day, so why should I think I'm so special that I shouldn't have to?

Answer: I'm not that special.

I should just put an "H" on my chest and handle it!

Why can't I?

I desperately NEED your prayers...please.

I can't go through this again. I'm not that strong.

I know I'm stubborn and I fight to get up every time I'm knocked down, but I am getting weaker all the time.

Whatever the Lord has for me, I will accept it.

That doesn't mean it will be easy.

But I know that He will bring me through, just like He has done so many times before.

The baby blankets and the outfit that I bought my baby will continue to hang in my closet.

Some of you may think this is crazy, but I bought them b/c I wanted to put my hope into action.

And...you never know...I just may be using those items by the beginning of the year.

<3

Answer to My Plea

Well, Tyler, who is 17, took Shayne to work today. You see, he got his license on May 16th, his birthday. Along went Kaylah, Felicia, and then, running out the door after them last minute, Jewel followed. Since they left I've been so anxious. A fear has grabbed hold of me that I haven't seen in quite a while. It is a fear that I've been battling all my life.

 The fear of What if?

What if they got in a car accident? 

What if they were hurt?

What if they were killed?

What if? What if? What if?

 I could feel my chest tightening, suddenly it became hard to breathe, and tears began to well up in my eyes.Then I'm prompted to pray. I pray, but I don't feel any relief. There's the Bible, sitting on the coffee table. I glance over at it and then quickly look away. Then the anxiety becomes worse. I'm beginning to panic, and, before the tears  begin streaming  down my cheeks like a waterfall, I pick up the Bible and run to my room. I whisper a quick, soft plea, "Lord, please help me to find comfort in Your Word." With that, I open it up and this is what I read....

"I called on Your name, O Lord, Out of the lowest pit, You have heard my voice,. Do not hide Your ear from my prayer for relief, From my cry for help." You drew near when I called on You; You said, "Do not fear!"

Lamentations 3:55-57

When I read those words, peace fell upon me, as quickly as fear had tried to overtake me.

My Lord is soooooooooooooo good to me. I cry out to Him and He answers.

Praise You Lord for being You.

You surely are the Great I AM.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind.

WoW!!!

Our family took a vacation to NY this past week. What an amazing week it was! We were sooooooo  blessed being able to stay with my Aunt Joanie and Uncle Dave. We were able to see sooooooo many family members and special friends too. It was the best!!!

The people that the Lord has placed, and kept, in my life throughout the years are amazing! I love them all so much!! Each of them have a special part of my heart. I am truly blessed!

This was my families first trip to NY...I grew up there, and Tyler and Kaylah were born there but were brought to SC very early on in life.

They were able to go to their first amusement park and had an absolute blast!!

We spent 7 hours at the Museum of Play and every one of us became a kid again :)

We also enjoyed the Seneca Park Zoo..would've enjoyed more of it had it not been for our dreaded allergies, but we had fun nonetheless:)

We got to go to Honeoye Lake, went to a parade, went on my friend Donise's, boat, and went swimming in the middle of the lake. Yes, you heard that right, we went swimming in a lake in NY on Memorial Day!!! The water was perfect. The day was perfect.

We were able to visit with many family members and met many for the first time in person which was such a blessing!!!

I was able to catch up with some truly amazing friends too. You know those kind, that it doesn't matter how much space seperates you or how much time goes by when you get together it's like you were never apart....those are the kinds of friends I have at home. I have truly missed them all.

The Lord blessed us with absolutely gorgeous weather the entire week too...

and one of the most amazing things that happened was...wait for it...wait for it.....

I found out that the Lord has placed another baby in my womb!!

I'm very excited but a little nervous at the same time b/c of everything I went through last year, so please, keep me, my baby, and the rest of my family in your prayers.

I appologize if this  post is  a bit scattered as we've just been home for only a few hours...14 hours is a long time to be in a car :)

I'm exhausted but don't dare go to sleep for fear of a very restless night. :)

I just want to praise the Lord for all He's done and all He's going to do in and through this life He has given me. Maybe I'll write another post about our trip when I'm a little more coherent...LOL

Desolate

Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me, but a GREAT day at the same time.

Why? You ask.

You know those days that you are continually slapped in the face with the ugliness of you?

Well, that was yesterday.

Instead of hashing what was said over to see if any of it were true, I got hurt and offended, and basically, had a pity party for myself.

The sad thing is, I got offended because I knew they were right, but I had justified my ways for soooooooooo long that I could come up with a zillion things to make me look better than I am.

I was faced with the reality that I had become exactly what I set out to NEVER become. What I had seen all my life and vowed to NEVER do.

What a blow that was. The realization of that was devestating, or could have been anyway.

I went to sleep crying and I woke up with a new found determination to seek the Lord and find an answer to my issues.

But how?

I woke up early, before everyone in the house, and I began to pray. I asked the Lord to guide me to His truth in His Word. When I was done, I opened and there it was, staring me right in the face. There was some comfort and some confrontation that was necessary for me. I grabbed my dictionary to shed a little more light on the words I was reading...this always helps me to get a better understanding.

I read Jeremiah 1:4-5 first, which says,

Now the word of the Lord came to me saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you. I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."

Even though this was written to Jeremiah, I believe it is for me too.

God showed me that not only does He know me, the REAL me, better than anyone, but He also consecrated me...He set me apart...for a specific purpose...to publicly declare the true message of the gospel to everyone I come in contact with.

What a comforting and revealing thought that my Lord knows EVERY part of me, good and bad.

This Scripture also reminded me that I have been set apart for a purpose...it gave me meaning again.

Then I read on..

Jeremiah 2:5

Thus says the Lord, What injustice did your fathers find in Me, That they went far from Me And walked after emptiness and became empty?

WoW, what a thump on the head that was.

I have been struggling with emptiness for some time now. I've been "seeking" the Lord, but still feeling completely empty.

How could that be?

I realized that although I have been in church, in private devotions, and prayer, I was still seeking after empty things, and the more I walked after emptiness, the more empty I became; the more desolate I became. Odd thing is, I didn't even realize I was seeking after empty things until today.

Have you ever looked up the word desolate? I know what desolate means but I had never seen it or related to it so clearly as I did after reading the definition this morning.

Desolate= abandoned, lonely, cheerless, lacking signs life.

WoW!! That word desolate described me perfectly. I read it and read it again, not believing my eyes.

Then I read Jeremiah 2:12-13 and things started getting even clearer...

"Be appalled, O heavens, at this, And shudder, be very desolate," declares the Lord. "For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, To hewn for themselves cisterns, Broken cisterns that can hold no water."

I looked up the words, forsaken, fountain, living, water, and cistern, knowing what they meant, but wanting a clearer definition, and do you know what happened next?

Light bulb!!

Forsaken= GIVEN UP OR LEAVING ENTIRELY

Fountain=SOURCE from which something comes

Living= ALIVE, existing

Water= liquid that is a MAJOR part of ALL LIVING material

Cistern= an ARTIFICIAL reservoir or rank for storing water, usually UNDERGROUND.

Are you seeing what I saw?

First thing the Lord showed me was

GOD= my source for REAL life, without Him I would cease to exist.

Then....

The Lord showed me clearly that I have been feeling desolate (abandoned, lonely, cheerless, and lacking signs of life) because I have forsaken the Lord. I have left Him and chased after artificial substitutes in my life to keep me alive, all the while dying (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) more each day because I have not looked to the source that keeps me truly alive...My Lord.

 Incidentally...did you notice that the cistern is usually underground?? Hmmmm????

It's interesting how I could be "seeking" the Lord yet be soooooo far from Him.

The Lord showed me that my downward spiral began with discontentment....just a side note.

Thank You Lord for using my precious gift, Tyler, to see that I have become so discontented and walked so far from you that I no longer had REAL life (I had become desolate=lonely, cheerless, and have felt abandoned for soooooooo long).

Thank You Lord for showing me, through Jeremiah, that I have to acknowledge my sin,  that I've transgressed against You , and have not been obedient to You...

Please forgive me for turning from You, for my pride issues, for my overall disobedience,  and my discontentment.

Thank You for Your love and discipline that has brought me to repentance once again. I love You Lord. My life is Yours, do with it what You will. In Jesus' name. Amen.

The revelation that the Lord has given me today has set me free and I PRAISE HIM for it!! I can now go on, FORGIVEN, ready to truly live again, no longer desolate.

Jesus=HOPE :)

<3



Peace in the Midst of a Meltdown

Have you ever been gripped with such fear that you just broke down and cried?

That kind of fear that eats away at you and makes you question your every decision?

That's what happened to me today. For a brief moment I was gripped with fear, wondering whether I had made the right decision to homeschool my children. It was horrible! The pain in my chest was intense as the tears streamed down my face.

All I could do is cry out to the Lord.

And when I did, there was peace.

The fear that, had a second before, began to break me was gone. The Lord brought, once again, to my mind that ultimately He is in control of all things. He knows my children intimately. He formed them in my womb. He created them with specific purposes. He entrusted their care to me. He knows exactly what they need and has chosen me to give it to them.

My children may not be brain surgeons, lawyers, or computer geniuses, but they are grounded in the Lord. They have seen His hands at work in their own lives, our lives, and in the lives of those around us. They know that when they seek the Lord, and put Him and His will first in their lives, that  He will meet their every need; that they will want for nothing.

With those comforting thoughtsthe Lord reminded me that He has them in His hands and that His will will be done in their lives. I praise the Lord for giving me His peace in the midst of my meltdown. He is so faithful. I have nothing to worry about for He is in complete control, no matter how things might look. <3

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul  knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.  How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.

Psalm 139:13-18

Life

I just read a post on facebook and it brought me to tears.

I don't know if I could live with the attitude expressed there.

Yes, life is hard. Yes, people will fail you. Yes, you will always have trials to deal with.

Every situation that we face, good and bad, has a purpose. The purpose is to draw us to the Lord, to strengthen and build our faith, to allow us to grow, to let us know that we cannot make it on our own in this life. We need the Lord!

The post was written by someone who I love, but haven't seen in a very long time. I can only imagine how difficult his life was by reading his post. I  have things in my life that could have  destroyed me, if I  let them. I have experienced pain, betrayal, depression, desperation too. I have  questioned my existence and if my life meant anything to anyone.

The difference is, I chose not to become embittered by my life experiences.

Instead, I turned to Jesus.

Now some would say Jesus is a crutch for people who can't handle the realness of life...I've heard that before...but I'm here to tell everyone who reads this that Jesus is not a crutch. Jesus is my life! He is my Savior! He is my Lord! He is my confidant! He is my Father! He is my Friend! He is my healer! He is my strength! He is my guide! He is my example! He is my EVERYTHING!!!

He has brought me through sooooooooooooooo much! I am forever indebted to Him and I choose to live my life to glorify Him. I choose to be a bond-servant of Christ.

Why, you ask?

Because He gave me the right to become His child. (John 1:12) 

He gave me the FREE gift of salvation, saving me from an eternity completely separated from Him. (John 3:16)

He paid for ALL of my sins, past, present, and future (yes, I will sin at times but my life is no longer characterized by sin...just b/c I'm a Christian doesn't make me perfect, if I were, Jesus wouldn't have had to die a brutal death on the cross to save me...I wouldn't have needed saving) with His blood...quite a costly payment indeed, yet He chose to shed His blood for me (and you too by the way) (Matthew 26:28) because He loves me! 

 Why wouldn't I respond to that kind of love with my utmost of devotion to Him?

My testimony in a nutshell...

I grew up in a "do as I say not as I do" home, which later gave me license to justify my every action.

I lied my way through my life pretending to be Miss Perfect in front of my parents, but living as I pleased when they weren't looking.

I started drinking heavily in junior high school...so much so that noone could tell.

I suffered from severe depression that I hid with a big smile and jokes. I wonder if anyone knew.

My little brother, at the age of 17, Bryan, hanged himself in our basement. I was strong for everyone else but I was dying inside, alone. I've experienced the effects of suicide one too many times in my life.( family, close friends)

I looked to lots of men to find my happiness and to fill the gaping void in my heart. The funny thing is that man, after man just led me deeper into depression. It left me empty and feeling more lonely than I did previously. It left me feeling alone, disgusting, and worthless. Interesting how that works.

I was cheated on constantly, which I paid for.

I got into relationships with 2 satan worshippers. Ironic how I went to church, went on youth retreats, went to youthgroup, etc most of my life, yet I had no real relationship with the Lord. Yes, it's possible, I was living proof.

I was in many physically and emotionally abusive destructive relationships.

In an attempt to run away from my life, and essentially, myself, I went to another state with a man, was physically abused at a rest stop, in front of people, who, by the way, did nothing but watch, in Georgia and Florida, then sexually abused, which  landed me in a battered women's shelter in FL, alone and pregnant.

Etc, etc, etc.........................

(So many things  and many details were left out b/c this would become a book if I put them all  in. I just wanted to let you know a  little about  who I used to be and some of what I went through in my life. So many people see my life now and think my life was easy or I couldn't possibly understand anything, now those people know better. )

My point in saying all this is that Jesus took the life that I partially described here and made it into something beautiful. He took this wretched sinner and gave me new life. He took the old me and made me new. He took my pain and gave me His joy, my chaos and gave me His peace, my hatred and gave me His love, my sinful behavior and gave me His purity, my wickedness and gave me His holiness, my desperation and gave me His hope, my addictions and gave me freedom.  All praise and glory is the LORDS!! :)

He did it for me, and He is more than willing to do it for you too.

What do you have to do?

Accept, believe, and confess  that Jesus is the Son of God,  came to this earth, fully God and fully man, led a perfect sinless life, and willingly shed His blood so that you can become a child of God and have the free gift of eternal life, and that He was raised from the dead. Admit and confess that you are a sinner, which, before Christ, we all are. (Romans 5, 3:23-26). And confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that Jesus is Lord you will be saved. 

(Romans 10:9-11..that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved;

 for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses,resulting in salvation.
 For the Scripture says, "WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED." )

If you want to know more, please contact me. I'd be happy to chat with you. :)  <3

Exciting Times :)

I am soooooooo excited!! 

 I was asked to provide catered lunches for a movie cast and crew being filmed here in Greenville.

I catered meals for them Thursday-Sunday. What a wonderful experience!! I met so many great people and learned lots of lessons; some about movie making and others about food...lol

I have been so tremendously blessed through each one of the cast and crew members. The Lord used each of them in different ways to bless me, and for that I am truly greatful!

I was invited to go to the SC Upstate film community meeting tonight, and WoW!! I was able to get biz cards made and passed out to many people in the industry tonight. I got to see alot of the cast and crew members from the movie again as well as being introduced to many new people in the industry. 

 Who knows where this is going to lead, but I pray that the Lord's will be done in it all.

I'm excited to see just where there this is going to go...I'll keep you posted :)

Encouragement For Today...

Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh i do my share on behalf of His body, which is the church, in filling up what is lacking in Christ's afflictions. Of this church I was made a minister according to the stewardship from God bestowed on me for your benefit, so that I might fully carry out the preaching of the Word of God, that is, the mystery which has been hidden from the past ages and generations, but has now been manifested to His saints, to whom God willed to make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. We proclaim Him, admonishting every man and teaching every man with all wisdom, so that we may present every man complete in Christ. For this purpose also I labor, striving according to His power, which mightily works within me.

Colossians 1:24-29

Wow! What a day! The Lord has revealed some things through these Scriptures that I really needed today. I wrote many notes in my notebook of the things He has shown me. Hopefully I can write them so they make sense to you as an encouragement to all you moms out there. Well, here it goes. :)

Paul starts out by saying rejoice in your sufferings....he must have had a great sense of humor, right? Why would he write that? He said that there was a purpose for this. When I rejoice in my sufferings, I am to do it for the sake of others. It is for my benefit, the building of my faith, as well as for those watching me. They watch how I react to my suffering and they see my faith in action. That it is a genuine faith. Seeing this encourages others in their walk too.

As a mother, I've done alot of suffering and I continue to suffer. If you are doing things the way the Lord calls you to, you will suffer, lots. I have been able to rejoice in my sufferings some of the time, but lately, I've not been so great at it. The Lord reminded me that I need to do this in order to be a living example to them.

Why?

Well, the next verse tells me that I was made a minister. A minister,eh? I know what that means to mean, but I looked it up to see how the dictionary defines a minister. Minister=server/giver..hmmmmmmm....I am a server/giver...never looked at it quite that way. God gave me the awesome priviledge of being a mother to serve and give and to teach my children how to serve and give. You see, this is for their benefit too, if I do my job correctly.

Paul goes on to say that I am to preach the Word of God. That to me is two fold. I am to seek the Lord myself and in turn give it to my children, in word and deed. It's not enough for me to seek the Lord and keep it all to myself or to share it with other adults in need. I must share these truths with my children too. I must apply it to my life so that they can see the Word of God lived out in my life. I need to show them Christ in me to be an effective teacher/ mother.

I am not only to tell them about Him, but I am to use the Word of God to admonish them. What does admonish mean? Well, according to the dictionary, it means to warn gently, but seriously. WoW! That is not easy for me, to warn them gently, especially when I see the trouble they are headed into. But the Lord has shown me that I must warn them gently. Why? He was gentle, but firm. He always admonished out of love. If I love my children, which I really do, I need to gently guide them when I see them walking the wrong way. If I am always firm with them, it sounds as if there is no love at all, only condemnation. I had to repent of this one. Some times I get so passionate in my love for them that I sound like I'm being harsh, when I'm just so broken about what I'm seeing that it comes out that way. I lived my entire life with this kind of "admonition" and I know how it made me feel. I don't want to do that to the children God has entrusted to me. My parents didn't know any better, but, Praise the LORD, He has shown me so that I can change this pattern, thus changing the pattern for the generations to come.

I am to teach (instruct) them with all wisdom (insight) so that they may be presented complete in Christ. As I stated before, I need to instruct them in the things that the Lord shows me. This must be pretty important since it was brought up more than once. You see, without proper instruction they won't know how to love, forgive, be self-sacrificing, etc. and they won't be able to share the wonderful truths with those who are, and will be, in their lives.

The Lord has already shown me that this task won't be easy.

I will have to labor. What does labor mean? It doesn't just mean work. It means to put forth physical and mental effort, especially when hard times come.

Don't give up!! It will be worth all the painful labor put forth in fulfilling the very important job of raising the children God entrusted to you in a Godly manner

. Are they going to be perfect? NO! Sorry, but if you will persevere in the God given priviledge of raising your children to love the Lord your God with all their heart, with all their soul, with all their mind, and with all their strength( Deut 6:5; Matt.22:37;Mark 12:30;Luke 10:27), then you can rest, knowing that whatever they do, you did what you were called to do. Remember, you are to train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6) He will make mistakes, you did too. But He will remember Who and what you poured into His life and He will come back. Sorry, got off on a tangent...it's really easy to do..lol...but I thought it was important.

I will have to strive (struggle and contend), isn't that the truth.

You mothers know what I'm talking about. The great thing is that I don't have to do it in my own strength. I am not alone! Neither are you by the way :) With the Holy Spirit living in me, it is possible to rejoice in my suffering. He is my Helper. In fact, I can't parent my children in a Godly way on my own. It's impossible. I need the Holy Spirit to direct and guide me every step of the way. I need Him to help me interpret and reveal what I need to do through the Word of God. Then it's up to me to be obedient to what He shows me. I need Him to live a life that is pleasing to the Lord. I need Him for peace that passes all understanding and joy unexplainable during those trying times.

Important note:

(When you ask the Lord Jesus to come into your heart, to be the Lord and Savior of your life, the Holy Spirit comes in and is your Helper.John 15:26-27))

I must be committed to the spiritual well-being of my children so they will become complete in Christ, and they can further the kingdom of God throughout their lifetimes, as well as be an example to the generations to come.

You see, moms, you and I have an extremely important job. We must'nt give up! We have the power of the Living God living inside of us!!

This was such a timely lesson for me in so many ways. I have been discouraged in my parenting. It's the hardest job in the world when I'm doing it in the flesh. The Lord has shown me the error of my ways and I now have a new fire, a new zeal, a realized meaning to my existence.

I am a mother.

I pray that this has encouraged you. I'm sorry if I was all over the place. I tried to keep my thoughts straight, but I'm so excited about the things the Lord is showing me that my brain has a hard time catching up some times. :)

Love, peace, and grace to you all.

<3

The First Snow of the Year in SC

I woke up to 8 inches of snow and still some falling from the sky. What a great way to wake up this morning. Of course, I had to go outside and take some pics of the white stuff. It was absolutely gorgeous!! I went out even before my children woke up. It was great! We've since been out a couple of times and I'm sure we'll return out there again. We need to take advantage of it while it's here...this is definitely a rare occassion :)

My eldest daughter had a great idea. She brought out my laundry basket and all of the girls took turns sledding in it, down every steep hill they could find. They had a blast! When they were tired of that, they started rolling themselves down the steepest hill they could find.  Thank You Lord for this beautiful day and for the wonderful time I was able to spend with my kiddos in the snow...just like when I was a kid. <3

A Purpose

When I was younger, all I ever wanted to be was a singer/actress. I know, surprise, surprise...lol..Those who personally know me could believe that easily. After all, I'm not called the Drama Queen for nothin. :)

I can remember sitting for hours, listening to the radio or playing records(uh oh..I just dated myself...lol) singing my heart out and dancing all over my room pretending I was on stage and all the people watching (in my mind) loved me. In high school, I was in Show Choir, Drama Club, and Chorus...I loved being on that stage...I would feel sick to my stomach EVERY time, but as soon as I sang a couple of words or said a couple of my lines I would forget about my fears, forget about all the people, and be in my own little world. It was amazingly wonderful!! I so wanted to be in the bright lights forever, but I guess that wasn't the plan for me, because if it was it would've happened, right?

During my teen years, I decided that I was going to be a counselor. Why wouldn't I? I already had friends calling me constantly at the wee hours of the morning telling me their problems. It got so bad that my parents actually put  my own phone line in my bedroom so that the phone calls wouldn't wake them up. I had many sleepless nights, but they were all worth it. If I could make even just one of them feel better and have some hope I would stay up all night. I remember a time when I saw a young girl sitting on the ground outside a building late one night. I drove by her, but my heart made me turn around. I didn't know that girl and had never seen her before, or since, but I just had to stop and talk to her to see if there was anything I could help her with. We spoke, she was encouraged, I went along my way hoping that she would be alright. I think that dream ended when I couldn't even help my little brother, who ended up committing suicide at the age of 17.

As I got older I had less and less dreams. I was just hoping to survive each day. You see, I had been in countless horrible relationships. I also had 2 children by 2 different men 4 years apart from one another (one when I was 24 and the other at 28). I was struggling to keep a roof over our heads, food in their bellies, and diapers and clothes on them. It was hard, but I accepted it as it was and just did what I had to do to take care of them. I finally understood why my mother used to tell me not to have sex before marriage. She wasn't trying to be a "kill-joy". She was trying to protect me. Now that I'm a mother, I completely understand.

I always wanted to be  someone that made a difference in the lives of those around me. I did it because I hated seeing people hurt the way I was always hurting. I hid behind my smile. When I would help someone it would take my mind off of my own issues, problems, and heartaches. So I continually focused all my energy on others; friends, family, my kids...everyone but me. It was too hard to think about me. If I did that then I would have to admit that my life was a mess and I made it that way. I would rather pretend I was someone else, put an "H" on my chest and Handle it. After all pretending would make everyone else happy too. I knew I made my life what it was by the choices I made but I wanted everyone to believe that I was strong; that I was all right, while inside I was crying desperately for someone to save me from myself.

I moved to SC and found Jesus again. He had never left me, but I had left Him long ago. I rededicated my life to Him and determined that I was no longer going to be the pretender, but I have to admit, that process was longer than I'd of liked it to be. While reading my Bible, the Lord showed me who I really was when I left Him behind and started living life for me. All I could do was break down and sob. What I saw was something I never thought I was, but there it was in black and white staring me in the face. That was the beginning of a new journey for me. Was it easy? Not at all. Was it worth it? Most Definitely!! Now I saw myself as I was, I repented, and I turned back to my first true Love, Jesus. Since then, He gave me a husband who I don't deserve and has blessed me with 2 more beautiful children. It's been 12 years since that day and I am more in love with Jesus than ever.  Am I still going through changes? Of course. I will never stop learning until I'm with Him in heaven. It is painful sometimes, but He always leads me to the other side where there is growth.

Jesus is:

my Lord

my Savior

my Friend

my life

my Love

my peace

my joy

my Counselor

my Healer

my Guide

etc

etc

etc

I know that the only reason I'm still living today is because He brought me through for a purpose.

My purpose:

to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength

to obey Him in all aspects of my life

to love everyone that comes in my path

to worship Him with my life, not just my voice

to adore Him and to teach my children to adore Him

to tell everyone about Him

to live my life in such a way that people would want to know Him

I lived a long time with dreams, but no purpose.

Praise the Lord, now I have a purpose worth living for.

He has blessed me beyond measure;

a husband I thought I'd never have

4 exceptionally wonderful blessings from heaven (the children He's entrusted me to care for)

but most of all.....Hope of eternal life that He freely gave to me in which I received

(which is also available to you too :) )

I may not have a house, or lots of material things, but I have more than all the treasures of the world.

The ultimate treasure....JESUS!!

Romans 8:28-39

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.  For whom He did foreknow, He also did predestine to be conformed to the image of His Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.  Moreover whom He did predestine, them He also called: and whom He called, them He also justified: and whom He justified, them He also glorified.  What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

 He that spared not His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifies.
 Who is he that condemns? It is Christ that died, rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God who also makes  intercession for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
 As it is written, For Your sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
But in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
 For I am convinced, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.