Desolate

Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me, but a GREAT day at the same time.

Why? You ask.

You know those days that you are continually slapped in the face with the ugliness of you?

Well, that was yesterday.

Instead of hashing what was said over to see if any of it were true, I got hurt and offended, and basically, had a pity party for myself.

The sad thing is, I got offended because I knew they were right, but I had justified my ways for soooooooooo long that I could come up with a zillion things to make me look better than I am.

I was faced with the reality that I had become exactly what I set out to NEVER become. What I had seen all my life and vowed to NEVER do.

What a blow that was. The realization of that was devestating, or could have been anyway.

I went to sleep crying and I woke up with a new found determination to seek the Lord and find an answer to my issues.

But how?

I woke up early, before everyone in the house, and I began to pray. I asked the Lord to guide me to His truth in His Word. When I was done, I opened and there it was, staring me right in the face. There was some comfort and some confrontation that was necessary for me. I grabbed my dictionary to shed a little more light on the words I was reading...this always helps me to get a better understanding.

I read Jeremiah 1:4-5 first, which says,

Now the word of the Lord came to me saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you. I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."

Even though this was written to Jeremiah, I believe it is for me too.

God showed me that not only does He know me, the REAL me, better than anyone, but He also consecrated me...He set me apart...for a specific purpose...to publicly declare the true message of the gospel to everyone I come in contact with.

What a comforting and revealing thought that my Lord knows EVERY part of me, good and bad.

This Scripture also reminded me that I have been set apart for a purpose...it gave me meaning again.

Then I read on..

Jeremiah 2:5

Thus says the Lord, What injustice did your fathers find in Me, That they went far from Me And walked after emptiness and became empty?

WoW, what a thump on the head that was.

I have been struggling with emptiness for some time now. I've been "seeking" the Lord, but still feeling completely empty.

How could that be?

I realized that although I have been in church, in private devotions, and prayer, I was still seeking after empty things, and the more I walked after emptiness, the more empty I became; the more desolate I became. Odd thing is, I didn't even realize I was seeking after empty things until today.

Have you ever looked up the word desolate? I know what desolate means but I had never seen it or related to it so clearly as I did after reading the definition this morning.

Desolate= abandoned, lonely, cheerless, lacking signs life.

WoW!! That word desolate described me perfectly. I read it and read it again, not believing my eyes.

Then I read Jeremiah 2:12-13 and things started getting even clearer...

"Be appalled, O heavens, at this, And shudder, be very desolate," declares the Lord. "For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, To hewn for themselves cisterns, Broken cisterns that can hold no water."

I looked up the words, forsaken, fountain, living, water, and cistern, knowing what they meant, but wanting a clearer definition, and do you know what happened next?

Light bulb!!

Forsaken= GIVEN UP OR LEAVING ENTIRELY

Fountain=SOURCE from which something comes

Living= ALIVE, existing

Water= liquid that is a MAJOR part of ALL LIVING material

Cistern= an ARTIFICIAL reservoir or rank for storing water, usually UNDERGROUND.

Are you seeing what I saw?

First thing the Lord showed me was

GOD= my source for REAL life, without Him I would cease to exist.

Then....

The Lord showed me clearly that I have been feeling desolate (abandoned, lonely, cheerless, and lacking signs of life) because I have forsaken the Lord. I have left Him and chased after artificial substitutes in my life to keep me alive, all the while dying (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) more each day because I have not looked to the source that keeps me truly alive...My Lord.

 Incidentally...did you notice that the cistern is usually underground?? Hmmmm????

It's interesting how I could be "seeking" the Lord yet be soooooo far from Him.

The Lord showed me that my downward spiral began with discontentment....just a side note.

Thank You Lord for using my precious gift, Tyler, to see that I have become so discontented and walked so far from you that I no longer had REAL life (I had become desolate=lonely, cheerless, and have felt abandoned for soooooooo long).

Thank You Lord for showing me, through Jeremiah, that I have to acknowledge my sin,  that I've transgressed against You , and have not been obedient to You...

Please forgive me for turning from You, for my pride issues, for my overall disobedience,  and my discontentment.

Thank You for Your love and discipline that has brought me to repentance once again. I love You Lord. My life is Yours, do with it what You will. In Jesus' name. Amen.

The revelation that the Lord has given me today has set me free and I PRAISE HIM for it!! I can now go on, FORGIVEN, ready to truly live again, no longer desolate.

Jesus=HOPE :)

<3



Peace in the Midst of a Meltdown

Have you ever been gripped with such fear that you just broke down and cried?

That kind of fear that eats away at you and makes you question your every decision?

That's what happened to me today. For a brief moment I was gripped with fear, wondering whether I had made the right decision to homeschool my children. It was horrible! The pain in my chest was intense as the tears streamed down my face.

All I could do is cry out to the Lord.

And when I did, there was peace.

The fear that, had a second before, began to break me was gone. The Lord brought, once again, to my mind that ultimately He is in control of all things. He knows my children intimately. He formed them in my womb. He created them with specific purposes. He entrusted their care to me. He knows exactly what they need and has chosen me to give it to them.

My children may not be brain surgeons, lawyers, or computer geniuses, but they are grounded in the Lord. They have seen His hands at work in their own lives, our lives, and in the lives of those around us. They know that when they seek the Lord, and put Him and His will first in their lives, that  He will meet their every need; that they will want for nothing.

With those comforting thoughtsthe Lord reminded me that He has them in His hands and that His will will be done in their lives. I praise the Lord for giving me His peace in the midst of my meltdown. He is so faithful. I have nothing to worry about for He is in complete control, no matter how things might look. <3

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul  knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.  How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.

Psalm 139:13-18

Life

I just read a post on facebook and it brought me to tears.

I don't know if I could live with the attitude expressed there.

Yes, life is hard. Yes, people will fail you. Yes, you will always have trials to deal with.

Every situation that we face, good and bad, has a purpose. The purpose is to draw us to the Lord, to strengthen and build our faith, to allow us to grow, to let us know that we cannot make it on our own in this life. We need the Lord!

The post was written by someone who I love, but haven't seen in a very long time. I can only imagine how difficult his life was by reading his post. I  have things in my life that could have  destroyed me, if I  let them. I have experienced pain, betrayal, depression, desperation too. I have  questioned my existence and if my life meant anything to anyone.

The difference is, I chose not to become embittered by my life experiences.

Instead, I turned to Jesus.

Now some would say Jesus is a crutch for people who can't handle the realness of life...I've heard that before...but I'm here to tell everyone who reads this that Jesus is not a crutch. Jesus is my life! He is my Savior! He is my Lord! He is my confidant! He is my Father! He is my Friend! He is my healer! He is my strength! He is my guide! He is my example! He is my EVERYTHING!!!

He has brought me through sooooooooooooooo much! I am forever indebted to Him and I choose to live my life to glorify Him. I choose to be a bond-servant of Christ.

Why, you ask?

Because He gave me the right to become His child. (John 1:12) 

He gave me the FREE gift of salvation, saving me from an eternity completely separated from Him. (John 3:16)

He paid for ALL of my sins, past, present, and future (yes, I will sin at times but my life is no longer characterized by sin...just b/c I'm a Christian doesn't make me perfect, if I were, Jesus wouldn't have had to die a brutal death on the cross to save me...I wouldn't have needed saving) with His blood...quite a costly payment indeed, yet He chose to shed His blood for me (and you too by the way) (Matthew 26:28) because He loves me! 

 Why wouldn't I respond to that kind of love with my utmost of devotion to Him?

My testimony in a nutshell...

I grew up in a "do as I say not as I do" home, which later gave me license to justify my every action.

I lied my way through my life pretending to be Miss Perfect in front of my parents, but living as I pleased when they weren't looking.

I started drinking heavily in junior high school...so much so that noone could tell.

I suffered from severe depression that I hid with a big smile and jokes. I wonder if anyone knew.

My little brother, at the age of 17, Bryan, hanged himself in our basement. I was strong for everyone else but I was dying inside, alone. I've experienced the effects of suicide one too many times in my life.( family, close friends)

I looked to lots of men to find my happiness and to fill the gaping void in my heart. The funny thing is that man, after man just led me deeper into depression. It left me empty and feeling more lonely than I did previously. It left me feeling alone, disgusting, and worthless. Interesting how that works.

I was cheated on constantly, which I paid for.

I got into relationships with 2 satan worshippers. Ironic how I went to church, went on youth retreats, went to youthgroup, etc most of my life, yet I had no real relationship with the Lord. Yes, it's possible, I was living proof.

I was in many physically and emotionally abusive destructive relationships.

In an attempt to run away from my life, and essentially, myself, I went to another state with a man, was physically abused at a rest stop, in front of people, who, by the way, did nothing but watch, in Georgia and Florida, then sexually abused, which  landed me in a battered women's shelter in FL, alone and pregnant.

Etc, etc, etc.........................

(So many things  and many details were left out b/c this would become a book if I put them all  in. I just wanted to let you know a  little about  who I used to be and some of what I went through in my life. So many people see my life now and think my life was easy or I couldn't possibly understand anything, now those people know better. )

My point in saying all this is that Jesus took the life that I partially described here and made it into something beautiful. He took this wretched sinner and gave me new life. He took the old me and made me new. He took my pain and gave me His joy, my chaos and gave me His peace, my hatred and gave me His love, my sinful behavior and gave me His purity, my wickedness and gave me His holiness, my desperation and gave me His hope, my addictions and gave me freedom.  All praise and glory is the LORDS!! :)

He did it for me, and He is more than willing to do it for you too.

What do you have to do?

Accept, believe, and confess  that Jesus is the Son of God,  came to this earth, fully God and fully man, led a perfect sinless life, and willingly shed His blood so that you can become a child of God and have the free gift of eternal life, and that He was raised from the dead. Admit and confess that you are a sinner, which, before Christ, we all are. (Romans 5, 3:23-26). And confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that Jesus is Lord you will be saved. 

(Romans 10:9-11..that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved;

 for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses,resulting in salvation.
 For the Scripture says, "WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED." )

If you want to know more, please contact me. I'd be happy to chat with you. :)  <3