No, Lord, Not Again....Please :(

I had my first OB appt this morning. 

They say I'm supposed to be 8 weeks along, but they did the u/s I'm only measuring 6weeks.

They did an internal u/s and only saw a yolk sack. The progression is supposed to be more than that.

Oh, the fear I'm experiencing right now is so intense.

I just can't go through what I did last year.

 That was a complete nightmare!

I know that all things are possible with the Lord, but I also know that His ways aren't my ways.

I so don't understand any of this!

I'm so completely and utterly confused, yet still I will trust Him.

I have another u/s appointment July 19th and am scared to death of the results.

Why is it that it's easier for me to think the worse than to think the best?

I thought the best the last time and ended up almost bleeding to death.

I want to believe that all will be well, but I can't get beyond thinking about the possible reality of another miscarriage.

I want PEACE!!!!

I know where to find it and I'm pleading with the Lord for His peace, but I'm letting my mind and my flesh get the best of me.

This has been my defense mechanism all my life.

Think of the worse possible scenario and then, if it ends up being that, I'm ready for it and, if not, then I can be surprised and happy about the outcome.

I hate living this way!

Why can't I be normal?

I prayed and told the Lord that I believe, but help my unbelief...

.b/c I do believe that He can form this baby perfectly in my womb, but, after last time, I'm not sure He wants to.

I don't know His complete plan for my life. If I did, I could rest and not worry.

I should be able to rest and not worry now b/c I love and trust that all that He does is for a purpose. When it comes to losing another baby, it's not so easy though.

I know, I'm whining.

Lot's of people go through things like this every day, so why should I think I'm so special that I shouldn't have to?

Answer: I'm not that special.

I should just put an "H" on my chest and handle it!

Why can't I?

I desperately NEED your prayers...please.

I can't go through this again. I'm not that strong.

I know I'm stubborn and I fight to get up every time I'm knocked down, but I am getting weaker all the time.

Whatever the Lord has for me, I will accept it.

That doesn't mean it will be easy.

But I know that He will bring me through, just like He has done so many times before.

The baby blankets and the outfit that I bought my baby will continue to hang in my closet.

Some of you may think this is crazy, but I bought them b/c I wanted to put my hope into action.

And...you never know...I just may be using those items by the beginning of the year.

<3