No, Lord, Not Again....Please :(

I had my first OB appt this morning. 

They say I'm supposed to be 8 weeks along, but they did the u/s I'm only measuring 6weeks.

They did an internal u/s and only saw a yolk sack. The progression is supposed to be more than that.

Oh, the fear I'm experiencing right now is so intense.

I just can't go through what I did last year.

 That was a complete nightmare!

I know that all things are possible with the Lord, but I also know that His ways aren't my ways.

I so don't understand any of this!

I'm so completely and utterly confused, yet still I will trust Him.

I have another u/s appointment July 19th and am scared to death of the results.

Why is it that it's easier for me to think the worse than to think the best?

I thought the best the last time and ended up almost bleeding to death.

I want to believe that all will be well, but I can't get beyond thinking about the possible reality of another miscarriage.

I want PEACE!!!!

I know where to find it and I'm pleading with the Lord for His peace, but I'm letting my mind and my flesh get the best of me.

This has been my defense mechanism all my life.

Think of the worse possible scenario and then, if it ends up being that, I'm ready for it and, if not, then I can be surprised and happy about the outcome.

I hate living this way!

Why can't I be normal?

I prayed and told the Lord that I believe, but help my unbelief...

.b/c I do believe that He can form this baby perfectly in my womb, but, after last time, I'm not sure He wants to.

I don't know His complete plan for my life. If I did, I could rest and not worry.

I should be able to rest and not worry now b/c I love and trust that all that He does is for a purpose. When it comes to losing another baby, it's not so easy though.

I know, I'm whining.

Lot's of people go through things like this every day, so why should I think I'm so special that I shouldn't have to?

Answer: I'm not that special.

I should just put an "H" on my chest and handle it!

Why can't I?

I desperately NEED your prayers...please.

I can't go through this again. I'm not that strong.

I know I'm stubborn and I fight to get up every time I'm knocked down, but I am getting weaker all the time.

Whatever the Lord has for me, I will accept it.

That doesn't mean it will be easy.

But I know that He will bring me through, just like He has done so many times before.

The baby blankets and the outfit that I bought my baby will continue to hang in my closet.

Some of you may think this is crazy, but I bought them b/c I wanted to put my hope into action.

And...you never know...I just may be using those items by the beginning of the year.

<3

Answer to My Plea

Well, Tyler, who is 17, took Shayne to work today. You see, he got his license on May 16th, his birthday. Along went Kaylah, Felicia, and then, running out the door after them last minute, Jewel followed. Since they left I've been so anxious. A fear has grabbed hold of me that I haven't seen in quite a while. It is a fear that I've been battling all my life.

 The fear of What if?

What if they got in a car accident? 

What if they were hurt?

What if they were killed?

What if? What if? What if?

 I could feel my chest tightening, suddenly it became hard to breathe, and tears began to well up in my eyes.Then I'm prompted to pray. I pray, but I don't feel any relief. There's the Bible, sitting on the coffee table. I glance over at it and then quickly look away. Then the anxiety becomes worse. I'm beginning to panic, and, before the tears  begin streaming  down my cheeks like a waterfall, I pick up the Bible and run to my room. I whisper a quick, soft plea, "Lord, please help me to find comfort in Your Word." With that, I open it up and this is what I read....

"I called on Your name, O Lord, Out of the lowest pit, You have heard my voice,. Do not hide Your ear from my prayer for relief, From my cry for help." You drew near when I called on You; You said, "Do not fear!"

Lamentations 3:55-57

When I read those words, peace fell upon me, as quickly as fear had tried to overtake me.

My Lord is soooooooooooooo good to me. I cry out to Him and He answers.

Praise You Lord for being You.

You surely are the Great I AM.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind.

WoW!!!

Our family took a vacation to NY this past week. What an amazing week it was! We were sooooooo  blessed being able to stay with my Aunt Joanie and Uncle Dave. We were able to see sooooooo many family members and special friends too. It was the best!!!

The people that the Lord has placed, and kept, in my life throughout the years are amazing! I love them all so much!! Each of them have a special part of my heart. I am truly blessed!

This was my families first trip to NY...I grew up there, and Tyler and Kaylah were born there but were brought to SC very early on in life.

They were able to go to their first amusement park and had an absolute blast!!

We spent 7 hours at the Museum of Play and every one of us became a kid again :)

We also enjoyed the Seneca Park Zoo..would've enjoyed more of it had it not been for our dreaded allergies, but we had fun nonetheless:)

We got to go to Honeoye Lake, went to a parade, went on my friend Donise's, boat, and went swimming in the middle of the lake. Yes, you heard that right, we went swimming in a lake in NY on Memorial Day!!! The water was perfect. The day was perfect.

We were able to visit with many family members and met many for the first time in person which was such a blessing!!!

I was able to catch up with some truly amazing friends too. You know those kind, that it doesn't matter how much space seperates you or how much time goes by when you get together it's like you were never apart....those are the kinds of friends I have at home. I have truly missed them all.

The Lord blessed us with absolutely gorgeous weather the entire week too...

and one of the most amazing things that happened was...wait for it...wait for it.....

I found out that the Lord has placed another baby in my womb!!

I'm very excited but a little nervous at the same time b/c of everything I went through last year, so please, keep me, my baby, and the rest of my family in your prayers.

I appologize if this  post is  a bit scattered as we've just been home for only a few hours...14 hours is a long time to be in a car :)

I'm exhausted but don't dare go to sleep for fear of a very restless night. :)

I just want to praise the Lord for all He's done and all He's going to do in and through this life He has given me. Maybe I'll write another post about our trip when I'm a little more coherent...LOL

Desolate

Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me, but a GREAT day at the same time.

Why? You ask.

You know those days that you are continually slapped in the face with the ugliness of you?

Well, that was yesterday.

Instead of hashing what was said over to see if any of it were true, I got hurt and offended, and basically, had a pity party for myself.

The sad thing is, I got offended because I knew they were right, but I had justified my ways for soooooooooo long that I could come up with a zillion things to make me look better than I am.

I was faced with the reality that I had become exactly what I set out to NEVER become. What I had seen all my life and vowed to NEVER do.

What a blow that was. The realization of that was devestating, or could have been anyway.

I went to sleep crying and I woke up with a new found determination to seek the Lord and find an answer to my issues.

But how?

I woke up early, before everyone in the house, and I began to pray. I asked the Lord to guide me to His truth in His Word. When I was done, I opened and there it was, staring me right in the face. There was some comfort and some confrontation that was necessary for me. I grabbed my dictionary to shed a little more light on the words I was reading...this always helps me to get a better understanding.

I read Jeremiah 1:4-5 first, which says,

Now the word of the Lord came to me saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you. I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."

Even though this was written to Jeremiah, I believe it is for me too.

God showed me that not only does He know me, the REAL me, better than anyone, but He also consecrated me...He set me apart...for a specific purpose...to publicly declare the true message of the gospel to everyone I come in contact with.

What a comforting and revealing thought that my Lord knows EVERY part of me, good and bad.

This Scripture also reminded me that I have been set apart for a purpose...it gave me meaning again.

Then I read on..

Jeremiah 2:5

Thus says the Lord, What injustice did your fathers find in Me, That they went far from Me And walked after emptiness and became empty?

WoW, what a thump on the head that was.

I have been struggling with emptiness for some time now. I've been "seeking" the Lord, but still feeling completely empty.

How could that be?

I realized that although I have been in church, in private devotions, and prayer, I was still seeking after empty things, and the more I walked after emptiness, the more empty I became; the more desolate I became. Odd thing is, I didn't even realize I was seeking after empty things until today.

Have you ever looked up the word desolate? I know what desolate means but I had never seen it or related to it so clearly as I did after reading the definition this morning.

Desolate= abandoned, lonely, cheerless, lacking signs life.

WoW!! That word desolate described me perfectly. I read it and read it again, not believing my eyes.

Then I read Jeremiah 2:12-13 and things started getting even clearer...

"Be appalled, O heavens, at this, And shudder, be very desolate," declares the Lord. "For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, To hewn for themselves cisterns, Broken cisterns that can hold no water."

I looked up the words, forsaken, fountain, living, water, and cistern, knowing what they meant, but wanting a clearer definition, and do you know what happened next?

Light bulb!!

Forsaken= GIVEN UP OR LEAVING ENTIRELY

Fountain=SOURCE from which something comes

Living= ALIVE, existing

Water= liquid that is a MAJOR part of ALL LIVING material

Cistern= an ARTIFICIAL reservoir or rank for storing water, usually UNDERGROUND.

Are you seeing what I saw?

First thing the Lord showed me was

GOD= my source for REAL life, without Him I would cease to exist.

Then....

The Lord showed me clearly that I have been feeling desolate (abandoned, lonely, cheerless, and lacking signs of life) because I have forsaken the Lord. I have left Him and chased after artificial substitutes in my life to keep me alive, all the while dying (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) more each day because I have not looked to the source that keeps me truly alive...My Lord.

 Incidentally...did you notice that the cistern is usually underground?? Hmmmm????

It's interesting how I could be "seeking" the Lord yet be soooooo far from Him.

The Lord showed me that my downward spiral began with discontentment....just a side note.

Thank You Lord for using my precious gift, Tyler, to see that I have become so discontented and walked so far from you that I no longer had REAL life (I had become desolate=lonely, cheerless, and have felt abandoned for soooooooo long).

Thank You Lord for showing me, through Jeremiah, that I have to acknowledge my sin,  that I've transgressed against You , and have not been obedient to You...

Please forgive me for turning from You, for my pride issues, for my overall disobedience,  and my discontentment.

Thank You for Your love and discipline that has brought me to repentance once again. I love You Lord. My life is Yours, do with it what You will. In Jesus' name. Amen.

The revelation that the Lord has given me today has set me free and I PRAISE HIM for it!! I can now go on, FORGIVEN, ready to truly live again, no longer desolate.

Jesus=HOPE :)

<3



Peace in the Midst of a Meltdown

Have you ever been gripped with such fear that you just broke down and cried?

That kind of fear that eats away at you and makes you question your every decision?

That's what happened to me today. For a brief moment I was gripped with fear, wondering whether I had made the right decision to homeschool my children. It was horrible! The pain in my chest was intense as the tears streamed down my face.

All I could do is cry out to the Lord.

And when I did, there was peace.

The fear that, had a second before, began to break me was gone. The Lord brought, once again, to my mind that ultimately He is in control of all things. He knows my children intimately. He formed them in my womb. He created them with specific purposes. He entrusted their care to me. He knows exactly what they need and has chosen me to give it to them.

My children may not be brain surgeons, lawyers, or computer geniuses, but they are grounded in the Lord. They have seen His hands at work in their own lives, our lives, and in the lives of those around us. They know that when they seek the Lord, and put Him and His will first in their lives, that  He will meet their every need; that they will want for nothing.

With those comforting thoughtsthe Lord reminded me that He has them in His hands and that His will will be done in their lives. I praise the Lord for giving me His peace in the midst of my meltdown. He is so faithful. I have nothing to worry about for He is in complete control, no matter how things might look. <3

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul  knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.  How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.

Psalm 139:13-18

Life

I just read a post on facebook and it brought me to tears.

I don't know if I could live with the attitude expressed there.

Yes, life is hard. Yes, people will fail you. Yes, you will always have trials to deal with.

Every situation that we face, good and bad, has a purpose. The purpose is to draw us to the Lord, to strengthen and build our faith, to allow us to grow, to let us know that we cannot make it on our own in this life. We need the Lord!

The post was written by someone who I love, but haven't seen in a very long time. I can only imagine how difficult his life was by reading his post. I  have things in my life that could have  destroyed me, if I  let them. I have experienced pain, betrayal, depression, desperation too. I have  questioned my existence and if my life meant anything to anyone.

The difference is, I chose not to become embittered by my life experiences.

Instead, I turned to Jesus.

Now some would say Jesus is a crutch for people who can't handle the realness of life...I've heard that before...but I'm here to tell everyone who reads this that Jesus is not a crutch. Jesus is my life! He is my Savior! He is my Lord! He is my confidant! He is my Father! He is my Friend! He is my healer! He is my strength! He is my guide! He is my example! He is my EVERYTHING!!!

He has brought me through sooooooooooooooo much! I am forever indebted to Him and I choose to live my life to glorify Him. I choose to be a bond-servant of Christ.

Why, you ask?

Because He gave me the right to become His child. (John 1:12) 

He gave me the FREE gift of salvation, saving me from an eternity completely separated from Him. (John 3:16)

He paid for ALL of my sins, past, present, and future (yes, I will sin at times but my life is no longer characterized by sin...just b/c I'm a Christian doesn't make me perfect, if I were, Jesus wouldn't have had to die a brutal death on the cross to save me...I wouldn't have needed saving) with His blood...quite a costly payment indeed, yet He chose to shed His blood for me (and you too by the way) (Matthew 26:28) because He loves me! 

 Why wouldn't I respond to that kind of love with my utmost of devotion to Him?

My testimony in a nutshell...

I grew up in a "do as I say not as I do" home, which later gave me license to justify my every action.

I lied my way through my life pretending to be Miss Perfect in front of my parents, but living as I pleased when they weren't looking.

I started drinking heavily in junior high school...so much so that noone could tell.

I suffered from severe depression that I hid with a big smile and jokes. I wonder if anyone knew.

My little brother, at the age of 17, Bryan, hanged himself in our basement. I was strong for everyone else but I was dying inside, alone. I've experienced the effects of suicide one too many times in my life.( family, close friends)

I looked to lots of men to find my happiness and to fill the gaping void in my heart. The funny thing is that man, after man just led me deeper into depression. It left me empty and feeling more lonely than I did previously. It left me feeling alone, disgusting, and worthless. Interesting how that works.

I was cheated on constantly, which I paid for.

I got into relationships with 2 satan worshippers. Ironic how I went to church, went on youth retreats, went to youthgroup, etc most of my life, yet I had no real relationship with the Lord. Yes, it's possible, I was living proof.

I was in many physically and emotionally abusive destructive relationships.

In an attempt to run away from my life, and essentially, myself, I went to another state with a man, was physically abused at a rest stop, in front of people, who, by the way, did nothing but watch, in Georgia and Florida, then sexually abused, which  landed me in a battered women's shelter in FL, alone and pregnant.

Etc, etc, etc.........................

(So many things  and many details were left out b/c this would become a book if I put them all  in. I just wanted to let you know a  little about  who I used to be and some of what I went through in my life. So many people see my life now and think my life was easy or I couldn't possibly understand anything, now those people know better. )

My point in saying all this is that Jesus took the life that I partially described here and made it into something beautiful. He took this wretched sinner and gave me new life. He took the old me and made me new. He took my pain and gave me His joy, my chaos and gave me His peace, my hatred and gave me His love, my sinful behavior and gave me His purity, my wickedness and gave me His holiness, my desperation and gave me His hope, my addictions and gave me freedom.  All praise and glory is the LORDS!! :)

He did it for me, and He is more than willing to do it for you too.

What do you have to do?

Accept, believe, and confess  that Jesus is the Son of God,  came to this earth, fully God and fully man, led a perfect sinless life, and willingly shed His blood so that you can become a child of God and have the free gift of eternal life, and that He was raised from the dead. Admit and confess that you are a sinner, which, before Christ, we all are. (Romans 5, 3:23-26). And confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that Jesus is Lord you will be saved. 

(Romans 10:9-11..that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved;

 for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses,resulting in salvation.
 For the Scripture says, "WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED." )

If you want to know more, please contact me. I'd be happy to chat with you. :)  <3

Exciting Times :)

I am soooooooo excited!! 

 I was asked to provide catered lunches for a movie cast and crew being filmed here in Greenville.

I catered meals for them Thursday-Sunday. What a wonderful experience!! I met so many great people and learned lots of lessons; some about movie making and others about food...lol

I have been so tremendously blessed through each one of the cast and crew members. The Lord used each of them in different ways to bless me, and for that I am truly greatful!

I was invited to go to the SC Upstate film community meeting tonight, and WoW!! I was able to get biz cards made and passed out to many people in the industry tonight. I got to see alot of the cast and crew members from the movie again as well as being introduced to many new people in the industry. 

 Who knows where this is going to lead, but I pray that the Lord's will be done in it all.

I'm excited to see just where there this is going to go...I'll keep you posted :)