Thursday, June 30, 2011

No, Lord, Not Again....Please :(

I had my first OB appt this morning. 
They say I'm supposed to be 8 weeks along, but they did the u/s I'm only measuring 6weeks.
They did an internal u/s and only saw a yolk sack. The progression is supposed to be more than that.
Oh, the fear I'm experiencing right now is so intense.
I just can't go through what I did last year.
 That was a complete nightmare!
I know that all things are possible with the Lord, but I also know that His ways aren't my ways.
I so don't understand any of this!
I'm so completely and utterly confused, yet still I will trust Him.
I have another u/s appointment July 19th and am scared to death of the results.
Why is it that it's easier for me to think the worse than to think the best?
I thought the best the last time and ended up almost bleeding to death.
I want to believe that all will be well, but I can't get beyond thinking about the possible reality of another miscarriage.
I want PEACE!!!!
I know where to find it and I'm pleading with the Lord for His peace, but I'm letting my mind and my flesh get the best of me.
This has been my defense mechanism all my life.
Think of the worse possible scenario and then, if it ends up being that, I'm ready for it and, if not, then I can be surprised and happy about the outcome.
I hate living this way!
Why can't I be normal?
I prayed and told the Lord that I believe, but help my unbelief...
.b/c I do believe that He can form this baby perfectly in my womb, but, after last time, I'm not sure He wants to.
I don't know His complete plan for my life. If I did, I could rest and not worry.
I should be able to rest and not worry now b/c I love and trust that all that He does is for a purpose. When it comes to losing another baby, it's not so easy though.
I know, I'm whining.
Lot's of people go through things like this every day, so why should I think I'm so special that I shouldn't have to?
Answer: I'm not that special.
I should just put an "H" on my chest and handle it!
Why can't I?
I desperately NEED your prayers...please.
I can't go through this again. I'm not that strong.
I know I'm stubborn and I fight to get up every time I'm knocked down, but I am getting weaker all the time.
Whatever the Lord has for me, I will accept it.
That doesn't mean it will be easy.
But I know that He will bring me through, just like He has done so many times before.
The baby blankets and the outfit that I bought my baby will continue to hang in my closet.
Some of you may think this is crazy, but I bought them b/c I wanted to put my hope into action.
And...you never know...I just may be using those items by the beginning of the year.
<3

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Answer to My Plea

Well, Tyler, who is 17, took Shayne to work today. You see, he got his license on May 16th, his birthday. Along went Kaylah, Felicia, and then, running out the door after them last minute, Jewel followed. Since they left I've been so anxious. A fear has grabbed hold of me that I haven't seen in quite a while. It is a fear that I've been battling all my life.
 The fear of What if?
What if they got in a car accident? 
What if they were hurt?
What if they were killed?
What if? What if? What if?
 I could feel my chest tightening, suddenly it became hard to breathe, and tears began to well up in my eyes.Then I'm prompted to pray. I pray, but I don't feel any relief. There's the Bible, sitting on the coffee table. I glance over at it and then quickly look away. Then the anxiety becomes worse. I'm beginning to panic, and, before the tears  begin streaming  down my cheeks like a waterfall, I pick up the Bible and run to my room. I whisper a quick, soft plea, "Lord, please help me to find comfort in Your Word." With that, I open it up and this is what I read....

"I called on Your name, O Lord, Out of the lowest pit, You have heard my voice,. Do not hide Your ear from my prayer for relief, From my cry for help." You drew near when I called on You; You said, "Do not fear!"
Lamentations 3:55-57

When I read those words, peace fell upon me, as quickly as fear had tried to overtake me.
My Lord is soooooooooooooo good to me. I cry out to Him and He answers.
Praise You Lord for being You.
You surely are the Great I AM.


2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind.



Sunday, June 5, 2011

WoW!!!

Our family took a vacation to NY this past week. What an amazing week it was! We were sooooooo  blessed being able to stay with my Aunt Joanie and Uncle Dave. We were able to see sooooooo many family members and special friends too. It was the best!!!
The people that the Lord has placed, and kept, in my life throughout the years are amazing! I love them all so much!! Each of them have a special part of my heart. I am truly blessed!
This was my families first trip to NY...I grew up there, and Tyler and Kaylah were born there but were brought to SC very early on in life.
They were able to go to their first amusement park and had an absolute blast!!
We spent 7 hours at the Museum of Play and every one of us became a kid again :)
We also enjoyed the Seneca Park Zoo..would've enjoyed more of it had it not been for our dreaded allergies, but we had fun nonetheless:)
We got to go to Honeoye Lake, went to a parade, went on my friend Donise's, boat, and went swimming in the middle of the lake. Yes, you heard that right, we went swimming in a lake in NY on Memorial Day!!! The water was perfect. The day was perfect.
We were able to visit with many family members and met many for the first time in person which was such a blessing!!!
I was able to catch up with some truly amazing friends too. You know those kind, that it doesn't matter how much space seperates you or how much time goes by when you get together it's like you were never apart....those are the kinds of friends I have at home. I have truly missed them all.
The Lord blessed us with absolutely gorgeous weather the entire week too...
and one of the most amazing things that happened was...wait for it...wait for it.....
I found out that the Lord has placed another baby in my womb!!
I'm very excited but a little nervous at the same time b/c of everything I went through last year, so please, keep me, my baby, and the rest of my family in your prayers.
I appologize if this  post is  a bit scattered as we've just been home for only a few hours...14 hours is a long time to be in a car :)
I'm exhausted but don't dare go to sleep for fear of a very restless night. :)
I just want to praise the Lord for all He's done and all He's going to do in and through this life He has given me. Maybe I'll write another post about our trip when I'm a little more coherent...LOL